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February, 2011 Next week, I’m going to be playing in the George Lopez Celebrity Golf Tournament to raise money for his Kidney Foundation. I know this is a little odd, because I’m not exactly a household name. I’m sure it’ll be a bit of a let down to someone who made a healthy donation to the foundation when they get me as their celebrity golf partner. “I donated $2000 to play with this guy?” “I was hoping to play with George or Andy Garcia, or Tim Allen. Instead I’m playing with this Fonzi look-a-like guy.” It might make things better if I was at least a scratch golfer and gave this poor bastard a shot at winning the tournament. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. Sometimes I actually miss the ball…on consecutive attempts. I’m going to have fun I’m sure…after of course I get over the feeling of being more unwanted than a hooker at her John’s anniversary party. November, 2010 I hope you all had a good Halloween. I dressed up this year as Russell Brand. I thought I had nailed it with my teased up wig, open frilly shirt and non-breathable pants. My wife went as Katy Perry, blue wig and cleavage jumping from a bustier. You'd think people would know who we were, but apparently some parts of me are a little too hard to disguise. When we got to the bar, a guy on the street said, “Dude you look just like him. If it wasn’t Halloween, I’d swear you were the real guy.” I was instantly cocky, and even contemplating throwing out a British accent, when he says, “Howard Stern and a stripper…perfect! I could hardly tell that’s a fake nose.” Of course he was referring to my real nose. It didn’t end there. The rest of the night, people were throwing out Howard Stern references to us. Except for the one person who said, “You can almost pass for Russell Brand too.” My costume was complete failure. Meanwhile my wife was digging the attention of being someone too hot for her own date. You just have to know your limitations when it comes to costumes. You can dress bigger, it’s hard to dress smaller. That goes for noses too. July, 2010 I hope everyone had a good 4th of July! I spent mine in Colorado where the weather has been gorgeous everyday this summer - except for the 4th. Rain is bad, but wind really jacks up a picnic. Every 5 minutes a shade canopy or tent was seen cart-wheeling across the wet park. That stuff is such a bummer when it happens to you, but when it happens to someone else…it’s hilarious. I tried to help out but I could never catch up to whatever was being blown away, because I was laughing too hard! (People really love it when you laugh at their misfortune). I actually saw one of those high-tech looking baby carriages catch some wind and sail away from a family. Everyone was frantic at first, but as soon as we found out that there was no baby in it, things became ridiculously funny. This poor Dad couldn't catch this thing to save his life. It was like it had a remote control on board. Every time he got close to it, the carriage sped up. Eventually the thousand or so wet picnickers were cheering louder than they would’ve for any fireworks display (for the Baby Carriage to keep making a fool out of this poor bastard). Great message for Independence Day, “Laugh at your fellow American and toast that it wasn’t you this time that’s been made a fool of.” God Bless America. September, 2009 Just got back from Tulsa, OK, and the crowd was great - all except for 1 member of the crowd who fell asleep during my set. I think I’m doing great until I look down and see this dude is in a deep slumber IN THE 2nd ROW! I’m flipping around on stage and the crowd is louder than hell, but it’s still not exciting enough to keep this guy from slipping into a coma. I woke him up and he said he was sorry and that he had a rough day. I started to actually feel bad and asked him what time he had gotten up that morning. He shook his head like a man who hasn’t slept in a week and said “Eleven.” Eleven? Really? Turns out, he & his wife were out for her birthday. What a great date! I asked her if he had some kind of sleeping disorder. Her response: “No he’s just lazy!” Mr. Excitement was a pretty big guy, so I didn’t want him to get pissed off at me. Then I thought, what’s he going to do? “I’m going to kick your ass…right after a little nap!” “My snooze alarm will go off in 9 minutes and when it does, consider your ass beaten…unless I still feel like I need more sleep…I love to sleep.” July, 2009 Just got back from Chicago from a show with George Lopez. The week before I was in Phoenix and it was gorgeous - only 90 degrees. That sounds pretty hot, but the whole dry heat thing was into effect. I’ll take 90 degrees in the dry heat of Phoenix over 90 degrees in Chicago and 95 percent humidity. I love Chicago, but the humid days can suck the life out of you. You walk from the car to a restaurant and you look like you’ve run a marathon. Everything you’re wearing is clinging to your sweaty body except for your hair, which only gets bigger! I get an instant afro from the humidity. That’s a nice look for a wiry white dude. I went to the cubs game, and by the 3rd inning I looked like a dirty Q-tip. People in back of me couldn’t see around my water tower shaped do. It was so puffed up, a foul ball could’ve landed on it and I wouldn’t have even flinched. It took a couple of gallons of gel to get it down, which in turn made me look like Pee Wee Herman. Nice trade off! I’m back in Denver now with my usual flat hair. I’m going to be doing some shows at the Comedy Works South club in July, so come on out! February, 2009 I was at the Loony Bin in Oklahoma City last week, and got to work with 2 great comics: Jeff Vaughn from Kansas City, and Brandon Vestal from LA. I brought my crappy game of golf to Oklahoma. The last day I played the weather got down to the low 30’s with a wind chill. The funny thing was that was my best round! I was shivering like crazy and my shots were going straight. I’ve never gotten that tip before: “Know what your game needs? CONVULSIONS!” I could be a golf pro in Alaska. Now I’m home for a couple of days, and I’ve decided that Valentine’s Day is the Penis of all Holidays. It usually comes too fast…and the only people who look forward to it are gay guys and women. It’s hard to be creative with gifts, and my wife usually just gets flowers and/or chocolate. Buying chocolate for your wife is like telling her she looks great in lingerie. She’ll love it at first, but eventually she’ll blame it for making her “ass look big”. November, 2008 I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I don’t know how it happened, but it’s become a tradition for me to make the turkey every year. This time I was determined to make a really juicy turkey. I saw on TV that a good way to do this is to make incisions on the turkey and stick butter in them. I didn’t know how much butter, so every time I checked the turkey, I put more butter in. By the time the turkey was done, it was dripping. You couldn’t taste turkey anymore. It was like biting into a big hunk of Land O Lakes. Five minutes into dinner, we lost three pieces of turkey because they slid off of people’s plates, and my uncle couldn’t feel his left arm. Nice! I made a heart attack turkey. One minute you could hear, “this is the moistest turkey I’ve ever had!” then the next minute you could hear, “Clear!” from the paramedic trying to revive you. This year no one needed medical attention, so I guess it was a success. And by the way - you should click here to check out a great article about me by the Denver Decider! June, 2008 I recently flew from New York to Denver. I had a middle seat on a packed flight in the very back row. In that seat, there is no reclining. Those two little inches don’t seem like much unless you’re dead tired. All I could think of was how comfortable everyone else looked, and how much I missed those glorious two inches! I was fidgeting, moaning, and shifting in my seat like someone craving a fix! The flight attendant joked with me, “Would you like a beverage…or rehab?!” I didn’t really see the humor in it, being miserable & all. After 3 1/2 hours of my head bobbing around, and nearly giving my seatmates a black eye, we landed in Denver. I went to help a woman get her bag down from the overhead bin, and two other bags came flying out with it and crashed down to the floor…but not before falling on a nine-year-old boy who was still sitting in his seat. The poor kid was trying so hard not to cry. Everyone was cursing under their breaths at me while I fumbled with the dumped carry-on luggage. I apologized profusely, but everyone still hated me. It was not my proudest moment. I fly from Denver to LA in two days…pray you’re not on that flight! April, 2008 This weekend I realized that I’m one of those bad do-it-yourselfers. My father is the handiest guy ever. There was never a car problem that he couldn’t fix. The reason I developed into a household liability rather than a handyman, is because my father couldn’t stand to have me around while he was fixing things. I was a total spaz of a kid bouncing off the walls of the garage while he had his head under the hood of a car. He’d get so frustrated by me that he’d make me sit in the car while he was working on it. Once he asked me to turn the key to see if the engine would turn over, so I honked the horn. I thought it was going to be funny, but after I saw the hood of the car shoot up in the air, I began to reassess my judgment. I was pretty horrified, my dad looked like he was really hurt… so I locked the doors. My dad spent the next hour with his arm in the crack of the window trying to grab me while I screamed. That was pretty much the end of me helping dad out with the do-it-yourself projects. And that’s why I suck at fixing crap around the house. March, 2008 I just got back from Las Vegas - 2 nights at the Las Vegas Hilton. This is about the fourth or fifth time I’ve been there with George Lopez, and it’s always a great time. While in Vegas I got a chance to play golf with Mr. Lopez, actor Don Cheadle, and PGA players Dean Wilson and Charlie Hoffman. It was really cool except for the fact that I SUCK at golf! I shared a cart with Charlie who was such a good sport about it. He just laughed every time I lost yet another ball. He was right behind me on most of my shots and I still almost hit him a couple of times. Probably the best line of the day was when I was called out a “Heads Up!” to Dean because I was hitting behind him. He said that he better get to a place where he knew he wouldn’t get hit - then stood right in the middle of the green. That was a good one…at my expense. All these guys were so great to me - I know I didn’t belong on the same course with any of them, but I had an awesome time. A lot of jokes & laughing – a day I’ll never forget! January, 2008 I hope you all had a great Holiday Season! After the holidays I did a show in Breck, CO to round out ULLR Fest. It was a lot of fun, and the day after I thought I’d hit the slopes on the snowboard my wife bought me for Xmas. Would've been more fun if I knew how to snowboard. I don’t know what hurt more at the end of the day - my ass or my face. I’d spent equal time on both. The thing with snowboarding is that you feel so cool carrying it around the resort. Then you actually get on the board. I think my wife bought the snowboard for me so she could finally collect on that Life Insurance. I was so bad that I the people on the emergency snowmobiles asked if I’d just like to give it up and get a ride home! Thankfully, my show that night was with one of my very favorite people - Kevin Fitzgerald. The crowd was awesome and didn’t seem to notice me almost falling off the stage from my legs giving out. December, 2007 I’m back in Denver this week hanging with the family and ANIMALS. I bought two birds for my wife on her birthday. She’s into birds and I was kind of working off that Love Bird theme. Unfortunately these things haven’t stopped fighting since I brought them home. I’ve never seen birds like this fight before. It’s disturbing! They spin around and smack the crap out of each other with their wings. Feathers are flying like someone’s having a pillow fight. HOW ROMANTIC. I’m expecting to come home one night to find two naked birds slap fighting each other. “Look Honey! That’s just like us!” Not such a great gift. “I love you…Here’s some aggressive birds.” The only way it could’ve been more touching is if I had given her a tank full of piranhas. Be sure to check out my Tour Dates page for all the upcoming shows in your area. Thanks, and Happy New Year! October, 2007 I want to thank everyone who came out to Morty’s in Indianapolis this past weekend. What a great club! I had a blast working the week. Vince Morris was kind of enough to do the hosting for the week. (A national Headliner in the MC spot) The Feature act was Justin Schlegel from Baltimore. (This guy’s a freakin power house). To make it even better, on Friday night B.T. happened to be in the area and he did a guest set and blew the place apart. Four Headliners in one show! A LOT OF FUN! Next week I’m performing at the Boston Comedy Festival. I hope you can come out. I did a set last week for the Semi-Finals of The Lucky 21 Competition. I was really happy with the set. This part of the competition is judged completely by people who log onto (ziddio.com) So please, if you get a chance, go to www.thelucky21.com and vote for yours truly. I would really appreciate it. Love, Bryan September, 2007 I want to thank everybody who came to see me at The Loony Bin. Those shows were a blast. And to the people of Oak Creek, CO…you guys are crazy! I’m excited to be back with Mr. Lopez for the next two weeks. The month ends for me in Indianapolis at Morty’s. It’s a new club for me, so please come out! So I tried to fix my Swamp Cooler yesterday, and I fell off the roof onto my deck. Thank God I don’t have that many bones in my body or I would’ve gotten hurt. Then, I was pulling weeds and a swarm of bees chased me out of my own back yard. It was horrifying, but I’m sure the neighbors loved it. There’s nothing funnier than some poor bastard running around his yard screaming and flailing his arms around like he caught himself on fire.(Which I’m sure will be the next thing to happen to me). This handyman crap is brutal. UFC fighters have less battle scars than I do. As far as the Do-it-yourself projects are concerned, I’m tapping out and trying just to stay alive until I hit the road. Love, Bryan August, 2007 Hey Everyone!
Just got back to Denver from an awesome show in Vegas with George Lopez. We'll be around the next couple of weeks too: Santa Barbara, CA on the 11th, San Antonio, TX and Anaheim, CA on the 18th and 19th. I’m going to be staying in California on the week between these dates. This will be the last chance for my big kids to go on vacation before school starts. We’re going to see the fam out there and probably hit up Disneyland. I’ll see if I can conquer my fear of the tea cups… “Stop the Ride!” Yeah, I was one of those. “Hey this is really spinning faaaa…..yak!” Maybe I’ll just stick to Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. I'll be at the Loony Bin in Wichita, KS from the 22nd thru the 26th of August. It’ll be a crazy show! For tix call: (316) 618-4242. Love, Bryan |
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