Home - Bryan Kellen
Comedian . . . Dynamically Engaging !
A good deed gone bad . . .
I heard a little girl screaming at the top of
her lungs by the creek outside of my hotel
and I jumped into action without a second
thought. As I was cruising down flights of
stairs I was noticing that I didn't even
hesitate to save this girl, "I'm the definition
of a hero"....so I thought...
I had just come off of a long road trip
and I had three days to chill out. My wife had a
business trip, perfect opportunity to go with
My wife was off to an early morning meeting,
this is the perfect time for me to write some
"hilarious" jokes. I sat down in front of the
computer and that's when I heard her, a
blood curdling scream from what seemed to be a 3
year old girl. "She's lost! Running by a
creek? I must save her!"
There was no easy way to get to the creek in
back of the hotel. I had to run around not
only my hotel, but a gas station, fast food
restaurant and what seemed like fifty dumpsters.
While I was running at my 2 mile treadmill pace,
I noticed that running on real land is a lot
more difficult than keeping up on a conveyor
belt. "I need something to hang onto while
pretending to check my heart rate."
I still had a long way to go and I thought I was
going to expire. I had to slow my pace to a near
crawl or I'd die without even getting close to
rescuing the helpless little angel by the creek.
I was going so slow that I was actually
embarrassed that this is the urgent pace I had
set to save someone's life. If you didn't see
the intensity on my face you would think that I
was pacing myself for a hundred mile
race...barely moving forward.
I finally made it to the trail that lead
to the creek behind the hotel and I was thinking
to my self, "I'm sure this girl's going to be
half raised by wolves by the time I show up."
I finally have her in my sights and I'm calling
out to her and saying, "It's okay honey I'm
here to save you, come here and I'll take care
of you!" Not a good choice of words. As I
said this, two adults (her parents) jumped out
from the side of the lake and began yelling at
me in Japanese.
I realized in a second that it was one of
those cases where the little girl was being
stubborn and her parents kept walking as to
leave her, but they had her in there sights the
whole time, they were just making her move.
Once I realized this, I also realized that I
looked like a child predator to this Japanese
And that explained why they were now chasing
me with branches that they had found on the
ground. Not to mention the little girl freaking
out even more than she had been chasing her
parents. She said something in Japanese that
sounded like, Una Chow che chee dough." over and
over, which I'm sure means, "Stranger Danger"
I was trying to explain myself, but they
couldn't understand me and their branches looked
like they could do some damage, so I had no
choice but to just run away, making it me look
even more creepy.
I've decided to never go back to that city for
fear that I'll see an artist's rendition of my
face on every telephone pole with "Predator"
Some Hero !