Home - Bryan Kellen
Comedian . . . Dynamically Engaging !
To save a little cash, I decided to drive my
Van from Denver to my new home in Southern
A thousand mile journey...A LIFETIME OF
My Sweet Ass Chevy Grand Caravan, that my wife
just HAD to have for one road trip three years
ago, was packed to the gills. (in a
Not-So-Orderly Fashion)...Like really
not-so-orderly. So not-so-orderly that when I
took it to get a fresh oil change,
Jiffy Lube register girl was surprised that I
was able to give her a HOME address. She
laughed as she said, "I thought you were
homeless with all that junk in your car."
Funny, I didn't find that so hysterical. I don't
think anyone would be AMUSED to have the look of
someone who's bottoming out in life. I knew I
should've shave that day.
I took off on my 1000 mile, 2 day journey with
enough caffeine and candy bars to make a Koala
It was a burning hot, late summer day in Denver,
so the first thing I did was roll up the windows
and crank up the AC. After about 9 seconds of
what felt like a big dog breathing on me, I
realized, MUCH TO MY CHAGRIN, that I would not
be enjoying the benefits of an Air Conditioner
on this trip.
I coughed up enough cuss words to make pimps in
Deadwood go to confession before I had even left
It was so hot that I drank all of my super
caffeinated soda within the first hour of my
trip. So I was ridiculously hot and now wired
out of my mind.
Did you know that twitching and fidgeting
creates more sweat?
For hours I felt like I was going through Smack
withdrawals in my van. I was miserably hot,
jumpy, and in great need of a shower, but I
thought that I could stay awake forever. It
wasn't until I entered The Middle Of Nowhere
Utah that all the caffeine I drank at the
beginning of the trip had worn off. Now I was
crashing. I couldn't hold my eyes open.
I know it's dangerous to drive when you're that
tired, but I also know that it's dangerous to
sleep on the shoulder of a desolate road. I just
pictured myself waking up in my car and saying,
"What a great little nap...where are my
clothes?...how did you get in my van?...(stab
I took my chances on the road.
After waking up to the sound of roadside
ridges for the 1000th time, I got to an exit
sign that said, "Lodging next exit" and noticed
a Motel 6 sign. I began thanking any higher
power that had something to do with me making it
to a safe place with a cold shower.
THE MOTEL 6 WAS NOT OPEN!
I've traveled the country a number of times and
I've never seen a Motel 6 that wasn't open.
Tom Bodett had not left the light on.
Thankfully right next door, I saw a "Vacancy"
sign attached to another Motel. I don't think I
ever found out the name of this hotel. I just
refer to it as Motel 1, because I think it was
the first set of rooms ever rented out to
delirious travelers. Box Car Willie would've
past on this joint.
I saw how dingy my room was, I was seriously
thinking about driving my car through the front
door of this place just to sleep on a prison
I woke up a few hours later, I managed to get
something out of the Rust/Water Shower and was
on my way with confidence that Mesothelioma was
in my near future.
I had no idea that you could feel more tired
after sleeping or feel dirtier after showering,
but the Motel 1 was special.
The sun wasn't even up but the temperature was
around 107 or so, perfect time to leave. I
opened the door to my van and was almost knocked
down by the smell of steaming hot garbage. I
still don't remember loading dead fish in my
van, but they had to be there.
How could I have driven all that way and not
noticed this stench? With the windows rolled
down the whole way the stench of what ever dead
animal was buried in my van wasn't as apparent
as it became after it fermented in my baking van
with the windows up.
I could not find the stink...AND IT STUNK!
After realizing I was too tired to take
everything out of the van to find the smell, I
would have to just live with it and get moving.
The trip had now reached a new level of comfort.
My wife began to worry because I didn't use my
phone for the rest of the trip. When I talked on
the phone with the windows rolled down, I
sounded like one of those "on location"
reporters who cover hurricanes. You couldn't
understand a word I was saying. With the windows
rolled up you could hear me fine, but every
second I spent on the phone, I inched scarily
close to passing out from the smell or just
It was a miserable ride, but eventually I made
it to my place in California. I got out of my
Van, or as I now knew it, my "Solitary
Confinement hole", looking like one of those
Coal Mine Collapse Survivors. My wife was
thrilled to see me, "Wow you're here already?
That drive wasn't bad at all."
I couldn't believe she said this. She had no
empathy at all for my 17 hours of hell on
wheels. It took me a while to get over her
non-appreciation. All that way, Triple Digit
Heat, Dead Fish Smell, Motel 1 and nothing from
For the next three days I looked at my wife
with, what she now describes as, a face that
could only belong to an NFL player in a Las
Easy Trip! ...God Bless Moving Companies
Sent from my iPad